The Sunset

I sometimes look to the sunset and wish I could transport to the very point where the clouds meet and there is so much colour spreading, spreading fast from blue to grey from pink to orange, a hint of green with a murky cloud lurks.

I want to be the colour, I want to be the sky, I want to be lost in that sunset spinning spinning fast.  I imagine my best moments will be hidden behind the contrast and here I will live out my days changing and looking beautiful at every second, slowly slowly slipping away going down but to me it would feel a lifetime and I’d disappear with the happiness of all that is good and pure.

  

Gone gone but not forgotten.

Those that moan will moan forever

A little pet hate may I share.  The moaners and groaners we all know some.

We come across it all day everywhere we go from minor spats about what a bastard our boss is to long droans about our miserable good for nothing other halves.  The expensive coffee and the one sausage on our sandwich we paid £4.00 for.  To the extent of being stuck in the same low paid jerk stained job for 10 years yes that is worth a moan I am sure.

 

No matter how fortunate we are we all do it.

 

My gripe is that if something is bothering us really bothering us.  Why don’t we sort it out?

 

We only go round this world once and I’m fucked if I will stay anywhere or with anyone when I am not happy.  Sounds selfish huh?  Another little thing I have learnt is that you should look after number 1.  Only you can do it.  It’s quite empowering if you think about it.  If you really sit and consider how much you are truly in charge of your own life. 

No one ever takes the plunge.  The only outlet is to moan about it acknowledge that there is a problem but never do anything about it.

If we put our minds to it, it is surprising what's in our control.  Admittedly some things are beyond us like death, serious illness, redundancy and true love. 

The minor moans just take guts.  We moan about our jobs but we are not even looking for a new one.  We hate the way we are treated by our boss but have never told him/her.  We’re unhappy in our relationships but we stay because we think there isn’t anything else or that it’s the right thing to do.

 

If we’re thoroughly that unhappy with something what is the worst that can happen if we try and change it.  That we become more unhappy?  That’s about it but what could happen is that we finally find our happiness and even if it doesn’t unwrap like a shiny new red Ferrari in a white bow we did it and we made the choice ourselves we took a risk.

 

We will feel good about ourselves and want to make more positive changes in our life.

        

Why wait till tomorrow.

      

January Blues

I realise I am by no means alone here.  Aren't the suicide stats higher in January?

It is for most people one of the most depressing times of year.  Unless you had a really shitty last year in which case you will relish in the new year and be glad to put a close to the last.  For those people very good luck to you.  For the most of us we go back to our mundane lives and our routine jobs and begin to strive for the next holiday.  

  

I plan to change my life this year in some way for the better.  I need to get out of this office work before my soul dies completely.   The first few months of this year will involve much research on how to do that. 

I’m done with settling and yes I know I am particularly lucky but I want more and why the fuck shouldn’t I. 

My greatest desire in this short life is that I am happy.  Lucky for me I am easily pleased with the simple things.

I am seriously thinking of moving to Bulgaria for good which involves giving up work altogether. 

This year is the year to grab life by the balls and take charge of what was rightly given to us at birth.  

My first blog in quite some time

I’ve been in Thailand the past 4 weeks more details of that to come later. 

The holiday was everything I had hoped and envisaged spending every second of every day in a Thai soaked bubble with the man I love.

Now that I am back I am absolutely deflated by the reality that is my life.  The thing is I have a pretty splendid life but in contrast to the past month this one shrivels in comparison.  I think it’s the freedom that hurts the most.  Having control over your own life every day.    

I returned to England Thursday evening, Friday I could barely speak, Saturday was a little better - retail therapy.   Sunday was just a lull of miserable seconds ticking away counting down to my 9pm bedtime.  I couldn’t help crying but it didn’t make me feel any better.

I can’t believe I’m going to say this but it will be better when we can put the holiday behind us and sink back into a routine as right now it is truly saddening me just to wake up in this country let alone go into work and make like I want to be there when I can think of 2,332 other places I would rather be. 

I was originally positive whilst I was still there telling myself this year would be better than the last but obviously now I am back I am desperately trying to feel that way again.