It dawned on me today that I am pissed off because my life
isn’t a fairytale.
I have been watching too much One Tree Hill, where they have
perfect lives and perfect partners and perfect children and they are all the
best of friends. I had a life a little
like that once, although they turned out not to be so perfect.
He was right when he said “You don’t like doing things with
people” after I had said “I don’t like doing things alone.” Hmm tis true, I am never pleased.
I’ve got a big bun with icing on it but its missing the
sprinkles.
Maybe I am not looking in the right cupboard for the sprinkles.
For the first time in my life I have no drama, really the
first time. I even had a bit of drama
last year but nothing compared to the rest of my life before 2010. There was always drama, trauma and
disasters.
I watched the Truman Show last night, the film were Jim
Carey is the star of a massive hit tv series but doesn’t know he is being
filmed. He is born on the set of this
world the director created called Seahaven.
The director creates Trumans life and even though the bastard made his
father drown when he was a boy and take away his true love he did still try and
give Truman ‘the fairytale’ life. In
case you haven’t seen it I won’t say anything else.
I have spent the past few months being a negative, miserable
terd. Boyfriend can verify this.
All I have done is focus largely on what I haven’t got and
what I am not doing.
Today I realise that concentrating on these things can only
be a bad thing because I can never change them and wouldn’t it be much better
to focus on the good things that I do have and that I do do.
I am not saying for one second that this realisation means I
will stop being a miserable terd but at least I know what I am supposed to
do.
I complain incessantly because boyfriend works at the
weekend, well Fridays and Sundays (all day, all night). I focus so hard on him not being here at the
weekend when it’s most important and when I want him to be and when I want to
do things, that I forget the other 5 days I get to have him.
I get upset because I feel like I have no friends but then I
remember that I do, they are just not always in reach. But I am thankful for the few precious ones
that I do have and I remember really fondly the ones I used to have.
I would go nuts if I never got to be left alone but now that
I am the novelty has worn off and I don’t like it. It used to be a great treat to be left alone
for the night, get to watch all the rubbish crap that would make boyfriend poke
his eyes out and nibble olives and crisp all night while watching Magic Mike or
Breaking Dawn!!! (*hides with embarrassment*) but as with everything once it
becomes habit it is no longer special. I
do this now twice a week, every week.
Obviously the crisp and olives vary to all sorts of goodies; but
still.
I don’t normally like to get too personal on here but the
chances are later on tonight I’ll be watching some film and booing into my wine
glass. I am so emotional at the moment I
just cry a lot at stupid things. I did
not however cry at Breaking Dawn, so there.
Deep down I guess I am a typical girl and I really hate to
admit that (oh yuk) I pride myself on not being a typical girl; ballocks. After watching ten million episodes of Nip
Tuck, Heroes, One Tree Hill and a hundred sloshy, weepy, girly, romantic films,
at heart I just want the fairytale same as everyone else.
Don’t tell anyone ;)
JJ
