Positivity v Negativity

I’ve decided to try a little positivity for a change.  Whether that lasts for the day or a few days or comes and goes I can’t tell you yet.

All I know is I’m constantly wracked with negativity.  It’s how I roll, it’s how I’ve always been.  It’s kind of a protection mechanism because of course only bad things will happen to me and when they do I won’t be as disappointed.

I’ve been feeling a little low lately and thought why not just try a teeny bit and get some positive mental attitude.  This is alien to me I don’t think I’ve ever had one.  

I’ve already written off everything and everyone before it happens.  When I walk into an interview I know I have already failed, when I’m in a relationship I always know it ain’t going to last forever.  When someone makes me a promise I expect them to let me down, I always do and at some point I am usually always right. 

The way I see it, makes much more sense to me.  Maybe because of how my life has been and panned out or because it is just logical.  If you expect the worst then when it happens you won’t be as hurt and upset. 

Negativity verses positivity.  If you work yourself up for something or someone you really want and it doesn’t happen, my god it hurts.  Surely it is better to lessen the blow and think negatively because you know what, if you do end up getting what you want then it’s all just a big bonus. 

I cannot understand how people can have that positivity to be let down with a bang.  I got to thinking I would give it a try, I can always revert back to being a negative bitch and you know I will but give me some credit for at least thinking about it.   

I decided that today I was going to start being more positive about my life and everything in it.  Yesterday all I thought was; I’m bound to end up with no job in a few weeks, I’ll be single forever, I can’t go on holiday until god knows when and well I’m just totally effing miserable today and coming down with something.

If having a more positive mental attitude could perhaps keep me perky, isn’t that better than being negative and sad all the time?  Maybe it will work and I will actually get a few things that I want.

I was talking to a lovely girl the other day about Buddhism and she pointed out that no matter what happens we can only control our own actions.  If someone upsets you of course you might be upset or angry but you cannot control what others do, it’s how you deal with it.   Why spend the day being angry and upset because of someone else’s actions.  You also cannot know what circumstances that person is in and maybe should be more understanding towards them.  

Now I absolutely love this concept but certain factors like, alcohol or bad tempers and like with me negativity and probably selfishness never see this.  It must take a long time to train ones brain into changing the way we think.  I love the idea of feeling this way but the truth is I am kidding myself and you if I tell you I will not get angry and upset the next time someone lets me down. 

I do totally believe it is the way we deal with things that counts because it’s absolutely true that we can’t control others and we can’t control fate and the universe either.  So it definitely comes down to that.  But let’s face it we can’t go about pretending the world is full of sunshine and nothing bad will ever happen to us and be all Mary Poppins when someone fucks us off.  Here, have a lolly pop, I don’t care you just smashed into the back of my car because you weren’t paying attention.  People have to vent emotions whether we like it or not, it’s called being human.

I often try and remember the last time I was truly happy and I am not sure that I can.  I’m not sure I ever will be.  Maybe this is as good as it gets. I say truly as I am happy most the time, I mean happy with life over a sustained period of time. 

It’s all about the moods as well, I swear I’m a little bipolar at times.  I like to blame it on my pill as I’ve been on it all my adult life but maybe it’s just me.  It doesn’t matter if I’m having the best day or the worst day, if I’m in a shitty mood it’s doubtful I will find that positivity.

I have to say I do really irritate myself as I have the best life.  I have great family and friends, a decent job, money, a roof over my head, I’m healthy and as much as I seem to hate being single, I must say I have had quite a blast.  I constantly ask myself why I’m not enough.  I have a really good time with my friends, I’m always out, I have so many things to fill my life with, I’d probably not have the time for a guy.  There is not enough time in the world for me to do all that I want to do right now, let alone with someone else.  I really need to get used to being single and be happy with myself.  It is hard for me to fixate on that but the truth is I really don’t need a guy to be happy, I have everything I need.  I’m a bit like Charlotte though from Sex in the City and I often just feel lost without someone.  Like I’m not enough and I need a man to define who I am.  I need to work on that and yes I know, I am a sad t6at.

I worry at the moment about the future and what is going to happen but then this other part of me doesn’t.  When my parents say, well next year this and next year that, I go, I don’t need to think about that, its ages off, anything could happen.  Now that is the truth so why I still seem to worry about it I have no idea.    

So my goals of the day are to actually find out how the hell I am supposed to be positive in the first place because clearly I don’t know.           

I am guessing I’ll find some inspirational quotes and I’ll do some yoga but it’s the changing the way my brain thinks I’m not sure about.  I have had some self esteem issues in the past and the whole repeating things to yourself seemed to work.  I suppose that is where some of the negativity comes from. 

I am sure you will look forward to my next post which will be filled with moaning, anger, negativity and swear words.

Don’t worry be happy J

After thoughts...........  

I’ve browsed two websites and already angry with them............ Think positive.  WTF thanks for the enlightenment you nob.  Next we always and always have had a choice.  I really don’t think people have the choice of cancer or freak car accidents etc.....  no we don’t always have a choice.  Perhaps this isn’t for me lol. 

Surround yourself with positive people.  What a load of fuckin guff. 

I started this when I woke up today and I have to say I have already failed.  I am never going to change.  The only thing I know that I don’t need to repeat to myself is wine always makes me feel better, so I’m off to get some. 

Forever honest FMP XX 

ps... I did the yoga but I'm not a fluffy bunny type, I'd probably be happier beating the shit out of something.