The Sunset

I sometimes look to the sunset and wish I could transport to the very point where the clouds meet and there is so much colour spreading, spreading fast from blue to grey from pink to orange, a hint of green with a murky cloud lurks.

I want to be the colour, I want to be the sky, I want to be lost in that sunset spinning spinning fast.  I imagine my best moments will be hidden behind the contrast and here I will live out my days changing and looking beautiful at every second, slowly slowly slipping away going down but to me it would feel a lifetime and I’d disappear with the happiness of all that is good and pure.

  

Gone gone but not forgotten.

Those that moan will moan forever

A little pet hate may I share.  The moaners and groaners we all know some.

We come across it all day everywhere we go from minor spats about what a bastard our boss is to long droans about our miserable good for nothing other halves.  The expensive coffee and the one sausage on our sandwich we paid £4.00 for.  To the extent of being stuck in the same low paid jerk stained job for 10 years yes that is worth a moan I am sure.

 

No matter how fortunate we are we all do it.

 

My gripe is that if something is bothering us really bothering us.  Why don’t we sort it out?

 

We only go round this world once and I’m fucked if I will stay anywhere or with anyone when I am not happy.  Sounds selfish huh?  Another little thing I have learnt is that you should look after number 1.  Only you can do it.  It’s quite empowering if you think about it.  If you really sit and consider how much you are truly in charge of your own life. 

No one ever takes the plunge.  The only outlet is to moan about it acknowledge that there is a problem but never do anything about it.

If we put our minds to it, it is surprising what's in our control.  Admittedly some things are beyond us like death, serious illness, redundancy and true love. 

The minor moans just take guts.  We moan about our jobs but we are not even looking for a new one.  We hate the way we are treated by our boss but have never told him/her.  We’re unhappy in our relationships but we stay because we think there isn’t anything else or that it’s the right thing to do.

 

If we’re thoroughly that unhappy with something what is the worst that can happen if we try and change it.  That we become more unhappy?  That’s about it but what could happen is that we finally find our happiness and even if it doesn’t unwrap like a shiny new red Ferrari in a white bow we did it and we made the choice ourselves we took a risk.

 

We will feel good about ourselves and want to make more positive changes in our life.

        

Why wait till tomorrow.

      

January Blues

I realise I am by no means alone here.  Aren't the suicide stats higher in January?

It is for most people one of the most depressing times of year.  Unless you had a really shitty last year in which case you will relish in the new year and be glad to put a close to the last.  For those people very good luck to you.  For the most of us we go back to our mundane lives and our routine jobs and begin to strive for the next holiday.  

  

I plan to change my life this year in some way for the better.  I need to get out of this office work before my soul dies completely.   The first few months of this year will involve much research on how to do that. 

I’m done with settling and yes I know I am particularly lucky but I want more and why the fuck shouldn’t I. 

My greatest desire in this short life is that I am happy.  Lucky for me I am easily pleased with the simple things.

I am seriously thinking of moving to Bulgaria for good which involves giving up work altogether. 

This year is the year to grab life by the balls and take charge of what was rightly given to us at birth.  

My first blog in quite some time

I’ve been in Thailand the past 4 weeks more details of that to come later. 

The holiday was everything I had hoped and envisaged spending every second of every day in a Thai soaked bubble with the man I love.

Now that I am back I am absolutely deflated by the reality that is my life.  The thing is I have a pretty splendid life but in contrast to the past month this one shrivels in comparison.  I think it’s the freedom that hurts the most.  Having control over your own life every day.    

I returned to England Thursday evening, Friday I could barely speak, Saturday was a little better - retail therapy.   Sunday was just a lull of miserable seconds ticking away counting down to my 9pm bedtime.  I couldn’t help crying but it didn’t make me feel any better.

I can’t believe I’m going to say this but it will be better when we can put the holiday behind us and sink back into a routine as right now it is truly saddening me just to wake up in this country let alone go into work and make like I want to be there when I can think of 2,332 other places I would rather be. 

I was originally positive whilst I was still there telling myself this year would be better than the last but obviously now I am back I am desperately trying to feel that way again.

You Only Live Once

How serious can we be with ‘Live for now’, ‘Live for the moment’, ‘Treat every day like your last’, ‘You only live once’ (My fav) etc etc. I'm all for doing that but we kinda know that it is not our last.  So that arsehole of a mood that comes over us every Monday when we have to go back to work just won’t shift cause we known damn well we will most likely have to do it for the next 25 fuckin years. URGGGHHH.

Sometimes it is a useful excuse to shun responsibility and do a selfish thing or behave recklessly and worry about the consequences the next day (when you’re shamefully still alive).  It’s an excuse to have fun and be spontaneous.  Like for example staying out until 7am when you have a flight to catch at 10.30am then lying down for just a second and sleeping through all of your alarms and the hotel staff banging on the door.  Then waking up when your plane is taking off without you. Oh no that’s just stupidity my mistake sorry. 

Shall we spend that last £100 we have after work on Thursday on Tequila shots and Drambuie and big breasted strippers (the last one is just for effect) when we know the gas bills need paying and the phone bill and the car needs taxing.  Why the fuck not we could be dead tomorrow.  But then we aren’t!!

I love to be irresponsible if I'm honest.  I like to be naughty and I like to push things farther than necessary.  But we can’t do this forever, at some point we need to take charge of the lives we may very well need in the future.   The lungs we will need, brain, kidneys, body that has been so beautifully abused for so long.  We need to make something of ourselves we cannot rely on someone else taking care of us.  Our parents won’t be around.  I don’t have any children (I might be irresponsible but I am also clever) I don’t have a pension, a mortgage, savings. 

The only person I can count on to look after me when I retire is me.  It’s a saddening thought but the coasting is over.  To be honest I've made many attempts already at ‘being a grown up’ I had a mortgage since being 20, I was married, I even owned a business two years on (please see above).

Saying all of this my friend died of leukaemia at 21, I know lots of people who have died in car accidents or have randomly just dropped dead at 30 years old in full health. 

I was watching LA Ink the other day and well I know it is all very dramatic but also I do think it is true.  Some girls sister who had no previous signs of death looming died suddenly one night of a brain aneurism.  

So my point is this shit really happens and all of these sayings do have some logic in this life. 

I think the trick is to be the best you can be and live the fullest life you can.  Try and do all of the things that you want and have a goal to reach.  We cannot live our lives like each day is the last because it just isn’t viable but we can try and appreciate what we do have and make the most of it.  If you’re not happy make the changes you can that are within your grasp to make you as happy as you can be with what you have been given.  Don’t forget you are more than likely going to have a future so think about that future now again.  You want to be happy forever not just for today.  Yes take risks, yes have fun, yes be irresponsible.  So long as you don’t hurt anybody take what you can and do everything you can.  Take all opportunities you never know where they could lead.  Break routine.  Try new things.  See as much as you can. 

Live today for tomorrow.   

    

I have a dream

Of course I have a dream I'm no different.  Well I like to think I am but aren't we all special in some kind of way!

My real dream which will never ever come true is to be filthy stinking rich.  Not born rich cause then I’d be a twat but to have inherited or had a lottery win or have found bags full of £100 pound notes buried in my back garden.  Dare I say have been spawned by Simon Cowell or Richard Branson oh no that does not comply with the above rule.

When I was younger I was expecting to develop special powers.  By the time I reached 18 I’d given up hope.

My ambition now is simply to ..................... write a book.  Not just any old book but one that is good enough for ‘others’ to read.  Good enough to be published and good enough to pay me enough money to perhaps try it again. 

I know this could be impossible but I am getting closer than just talking about it at least.  I'm making more time to do some writing and although I don’t have anything near I have at least put 75,000 words together.  I would say I've maybe another quarter to go and then hundreds of edits.   

The problem I have is I work 8 hours a day and 3 of those days I travel 60 miles into work and 60 miles back.  I have a lovely boyfriend too I have to feed and nurture etc.  I also like to get my hair wet now and again.  Is that even a saying? 

It’s my first attempt so of course I think it stinks big sweaty homeless balls.  I didn’t want to write this book as though I was the main character and for some fucked up reason I decided to write it as the third person.  I made it hard for myself.  Now I realise that the character is me, I fuckin well thought her up.  Also what’s wrong with me being me after all.  I can see some major rewriting having to take place.  God fuck shit and bollocks. 

I am going away for a month in two weeks time so I’ve deflected from all of this.  I intend to spend many a sunburnt afternoon dreaming up new ideas.  I do dream yes but I also know that I may have to write 12 effing books before I am any good or before anyone takes any notice of me so why not while away the sun soaked hangovers with some constructive story ideas for the future.  I know I will probably need them.

     

How thick am I

I had to help my boyfriend out at weekend with a charity event.  I asked for calculators to be provided because I no longer ever have to add up in any kind of way to get through this life so my maths skills are lost in the 1990s and I haven’t seen them since.  The thing was that I didn’t need the calculator until a huge queue had formed and my tiny brain went to meltdown.  2 x 50p and 2 x 65p add together er £2.30 right.  I couldn’t do it.   Then I couldn’t seem to do it on the calculator for some reason I eventually plucked out a random close by figure and the customer paid and went away.  I felt so stupid having to use a calculator in front of all these people that I actually lost the ability to use the dam thing.  There goes my chance of ever going on X Factor!  

I’m a total wreck.  I haven’t had to serve people for 15 years.  I probably wasn’t all that good at it then come to think about it.  I once dropped a knife from the top floor of the restaurant I worked in luckily no one was dining at the time.